Tips for navigating a relationship with your mentally ill partner:

Here is a hearty list of things to remember when you are dating someone who is mentally ill:

– THEY ARE AWESOME! Remember why you love them. They are not their illness. Dating someone who has a mental illness takes a little more compassion and support from your end. So, if you aren’t willing to give that, maybe it is time to rethink whether or not you’re ready for a relationship at this point in your life. 

– Read up on their mental illness. Do some research on your own and try to understand the illness. Please remember to be mindful when doing this. You are not trying to 1UP your partner, but rather learn about their illness and how it may affect their life. 

– After doing the above, do not generalize. Talk to your partner and find out how their illness affects them. Don’t act like you’re automatically an expert because you read the Mayo Clinic summary. 

– Find out what they need when they are in crisis or having an episode. For example: Do they need a tight hug? Do they not like to be touched? Do they like being alone? Do they need water right away? Everyone is different, so ask them what they need and how you can help. It’s always better to be prepared! 

– Treatment is not “one size fits all!”

– It is healthy for your partner to occasionally vent to you, but make sure it doesn’t end up being a full-time therapy session. If they are not already seeing a therapist, encourage them to seek other sources of supports without judgment.

– Ask them what their triggers are. What triggers an episode, behaviour, or panic attack for them? Once you know most of the triggers, try to avoid putting your partner in that situation in the first place (if you can!). 

– Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard because you’re in a relationship; how much more personal can it get? Just remember that their symptoms and outward actions can be tolerated. However, mean, abusive, or manipulating behaviour is NOT tolerated. Even in a standard relationship.

– Empathize, don’t pity. No one wants to feel like a charity case. Take time to educate yourself on the differences! 

– Validate their feelings. 

– You cannot heal or “fix” them, that needs to be understood on both ends!

– Be patient and understanding of their circumstances. 

– Don’t act like a babysitter.

– Don’t compare them to someone else who has the same illness. Everyone deals with illness differently. 

– Doing a little check-in can mean the world to them sometimes! Example: “did you get the chance to eat yet?” 

– Acknowledge the progress they make.

– Don’t punish them for not progressing “fast enough” as there really is no timeline on healing and recovery — especially as many illnesses last a lifetime.

– If you don’t know what to say at times, a hug, or another form of affection will do! 

– Some days they may not want to fight, so encouraging them to attend their therapy session or to go to their doctor appointment is helpful!

– It’s okay to ask questions. So DO ask questions. 

– Illnesses are physically debilitating at times, so try not to be judgmental about that. Example: passively calling them lazy.

– Keep an open mind – sometimes you might be the problem. Relationships are a two-person effort …so check yourself. 

– Join supportive organizations. Try to be open to it if your partner brings up the idea. You would be surprised by just how much you can learn from them! Many organizations are dedicated to improving the lives of individuals and families affected by mental illness. There are meetings everywhere, and at all times, so they are fairly accessible. You can also learn from other people who are going through similar experiences. Joining a group for outside perspective can be super helpful. 

– Regular relationship rules still apply — you both may just have to tweak them a bit to fit your circumstances. 

– Remember to discuss boundaries and look after yourself. You are their lover and partner, but not their full-time care taker (marriage is different).  It helps to discuss boundaries initially so there aren’t any feelings of resentment later on. It can take a lot of work and commitment. Both partners need to give and receive to the degree that the relationship keeps them healthy and satisfied. 

I will now repeat my first point: 

THEY ARE AWESOME! AND SO ARE YOU! 

Remember why you love them. They are not their illness. Dating someone who has a mental illness takes a little more compassion and support from your end. So, if you aren’t willing to give that, maybe it is time to rethink whether or not you’re ready for a relationship at this point in your life.